It is a cold Friday morning but my heart is warm. Oh so toasty! No, not because I am eating this Apple Pie Bearclaw (pastry is from the age B-TF2, I have the coffee though!). But because, I am actually alone while typing this. Yes, hallelujah! I am sitting by myself on the bed, with the door closed and no littles hanging off me, wanting something that I somehow always seem to get wrong (at least according to all the cries :O). It is just me… It feels surreal and not quite true. But I finally stood up for myself, after a near breakdown, and asked for time.
In the midst of a pandemic, particular one where we have been fortunate to weather rather well, it seems trifling to think about needing space and breaks. I mean after all my life is incomparably easy relative to healthcare workers and those in essential jobs. I mean I live in a cocoon of privilege. I have my groceries delivered, necessary crafting supplies are picked up without queueing, unnecessary home decor arrives at my door step that I don’t have time to put up but buy I do. I mean its a princess’s life.
And yet, I feel a fatigue and severe ennui. It is weight of minding a toddler, in the full throes of toddlerhood and tantrums, and, an infant, in the full innocence of utter dependency, at the same time, all day everyday, ALONE.
When I say alone, I don’t mean literally entirely, as once again we are fortunate to have husband working from home and a few hours a week playmate at home for the toddler. I mean alone in that as the primary care giver in a pandemic, I have little ability to unburden the stress - day care for toddler was decided against, activities such as art and gym classes out of consideration as well. Which, all meant I had to not only mind TF & TF2 needs 12 x7 without break, but also come up with ideas to keep toddler busy that would have been partly outsourced under non-pandemic times. More to the point, we don’t have familial help who could be brought into the bubble.
In times like these, it definitely drives home the point of the life choices we make. In our particular situation, the lack of familial help is moot as even otherwise it would not exist. But in the absence of blood, water (friends) could work but now, even that is not possible. Lack of social connection is debilitating - not just psychologically but also literally. It would have been easier to get together with a couple of friends and their kids and let the littles run and play and take a breather from having to be the singular source of attention and inspiration. It takes a village, but where is the village now?
In time likes these, it also drives home the point that we need to listen to our body and voice our needs. The old adage about taking care of ourselves to take care of others is very true. Which is why, at near breaking point, I finally asked for a break. And, even though I am not a frontline worker, I am still human and I still have a lot of stress and I need a break from my everyday.
I struggle a lot with feeling grateful for what I have and yet being empathetic to my own needs. I feel guilty essentially. Yet, at the same time, I can see that isn’t helpful or enabling. I try to remind myself now, after re-reading this post yesterday, it is ok to want a break even if you are not as much in stress as someone else. It is necessary to let in my vulnerable self and reach out for support. Because, if I do not, not only does it inhibit me from finding balance and joy within me, it also blinds me from the extending empathy and balance to those around me - my partner and my kids, yes, my kids.
A primary caregiver or parent who is stressed feels not just terrible but angry. Mostly at herself because more than anything she feels a failure and that guilt manifests as rage. We really need to be able to not just normalize it but gather it in and provide support so she/he can reach out and find balance. There isn’t really a too late. It’s always better late than never. There are more conversations online these days about looking at parenting with realistic lens rather than a pink bubblegum frame.
Especially, in times of isolation, such as we are, it is incredibly helpful to feel not just heard but also that its normal.
It is OKAY to feel both privileged and in despair at the same time.
It is OKAY to feel full of love and angry at the same time.
It is OKAY to ask for help even if you think there are more in need.
And, it is definitely OKAY for your normal to not be the same as someone else’s,
your hard to be someone else’s easy, even perhaps your partner’s.
Do not judge yourself by others. Just be mindful of yourself.
Apple Pie Bearclaw
This is easiest thing you can make to feel cheerful. And if you want to know more about the healing power of baked/cooked apples, listen to this podcast.
1 puff pastry sheet
2 Golden Delicious or Granny Smith apples, peeled and sliced
3 T butter
2 T brown sugar
pinch of cinnamon or nutmeg
Thaw the puff pastry on the counter.
While it thaws, in a pan, melt butter with sugar on low. Add the apples and sauté till just soft.
Lightly roll out the pastry and mark out in thirds. At a bias slice the outer third into strips leaving the middle intact.
Transfer to baking pan and pile on the cooked, cooled apple slices in the middle. Fold over the strips in a pattern.
Bake in a pre-heated oven at 400F until puffed and golden.
More Apple Bakes
Pots de Crème with Apple Confit
SMOKED APPLE CHIPS
BRANDIED APPLE PIE PUDDING